This weekend was t o u g h. The admission decision for my top college choice was released on Friday, and although I knew getting in was a long shot, I felt pretty devastated when I read the rejection letter. Then, I felt guilty for not working harder, improving my SAT scores, and having a higher class rank. I felt embarrassed for even applying and thinking I had a chance. To put the icing on the cake, my internal frustration manifested itself in external anger directed at people who didn’t deserve it. I hate doing that.
The frustration and disappointment is valid. The last four years were challenging, and understandably, I wanted to see the fruition of those efforts. But, throughout the whole process, i.e. finding out the decision and sorting through my emotions, the concept of closing doors stuck with me. I realized that the last few months have been full of closing doors . What I had failed to see is that they aren’t barricades. It might feel like they are, but in actuality, closed doors are rudders, pushing us in a different direction, guiding us where we need to go, not where we think we should go.
Right now, I still feel stuck in a room full of closed doors, but one will open soon, probably the one I least expect. When it does open, it will guide me in the direction I need to go. I’ve been banging my head against closed doors, thinking that my own brute strength will force them open. That made me tired, and moody, and anxious. It’s time to stop.
Now…I trust. I listen. I watch. I knock on the doors that I feel led to but don’t fret when they stay closed. I seek answers confident that, at the right time, I’ll find them.
Thanks for baring with me through that long intro. In true Monday fashion, let’s do a little listing.
Thanks Meg for hosting.
- Washed a few loads of laundry.
- Started working on a research project for AP Lit. You can follow along with my progress here if you’re interested.
- Ran a little. Tapped into my inner yogi a little.
- Read a few chapters of Invisible Man and begged the writing gods to grant me even a fraction of Ralph Ellison’s literary talent.
- Drove through my first snow blizzard…well, more of a pseudo-blizzard because although the wind and snow were crazy, it didn’t stick to the ground and the roads were relatively safe. I sense a deeper life metaphor in this, but I’m too tired to dig it out…
- Bottled my second batch of kombucha.
- Ate more toast.
- Met with three lovely humans for breakfast on Saturday.
- Published the second installment of “Question for You.”
- Food prepped for the first time in eons: muffins, veggie soup, and roasted acorn squash.
Happy Monday, friends. Spread a little love today. Mondays require an extra dose.
So tell me…
Which doors have closed for you? Where did you end up instead?
Are you a “bang on the door” or “wait for it to open” type of person?